"HAIL TO THE FLEECERS"
TUNE: Traditional
Hail to the Fleecers
We make money
Fleecers gouging patrons
Cash for you and me!
Fleece 'em, squeeze 'em
Count it up --- we want lots more
Shake 'em, take 'em
Huge success! A massive score!
Fleece on, fleece on
'Til you've pumped up
The bottom line!
Fleece! Fleece! Fleece!
Hail to the Fleecers
We make money
Beer in the men's room,
More cash for you and me!
Fifty dollars to park your car . . . beer in the stands for nine dollars . . . why, if Congress could figure out as smart and thorough a way to raise taxes, while thousands willingly went along and cheered, the deficit would be eliminated by year's end! Poor Congress! It gets an undeserved bad rap for being a bunch of folks who have imposed a tax on absolutely everything. Not by a long shot.
Congress could learn a thing or two from Dan Snyder, the team's owner (pictured above in the new logo.) A few years back, the 'Skins were even selling beer in the Men's Room. The practice was discontinued shortly thereafter, but not because the health department went apoplectic, claiming it was "unsanitary." In reality, the sales were abandoned because some of the older patrons, remembering Archie Bunker's observation that "Nobody really owns beer . . . they only rent it," decided to honor the unreliability of their bladders and remained in the Men's Room while drinking their new purchase. However convenient this was, too many missed out on the the action on the field; sales plummeted, and the practice was subsequently abandoned. Parts of this story are actually true.
As for the suggested new name, "The Washington Fleecers" would be appropriate in this town so full of politicians, lobbists and contractors, a.k.a. a town so full of itself . . . or, more succinctly . . . a town so full of it. The only problem is that those in the Tea Party might wish to co-opt the lyrics to use them as a jab at what used to be called "Big Government Spending" but which, these days, is more apt to be called "Obama's Collectivist/Socialist Shake-down Racket" or something equally misplaced. Were those on the political right not quite so much dependent for their political futures on catering to the billionaires who make their fortunes in the corporate world, they might see that the lyrics to the song apply rather more to their own benefactors.
To make the proper intent of the lyrics crystal clear, we suggest that Mr. Snyder and his Board of Directors make a recording of their singing the fight song. At the games, when the band strikes up the music, their voices would lead the 80,000 fans in this paen to successful marketing. The fans . . . either in the slough of despond over another bad turn of events or, somewhat less frequently, high on adrenalin at a superb team performance . . . would sing along while giving the sort of attention to the import of the lyrics as they do when singing the Star Spangled Banner. A good time could be had by all.
Finally, we had originally thought that the name "The Washington Fat Cats" would be appropriate . . . and for all the reasons mentioned above. We even had the perfect photo of an enormously overweight tabby to put in the logo. But then we contemplated how opposing teams and their fans would taunt "The Fat Cats" by referring to them by a British term of endearment for those of the feline persuasion but that, here on this side of the Pond, is a sexualized term often hurled disparagingly toward men of the hyper-macho persuasion by others of their kind whose macho is uber-hyper. As an act of charity, we rejected it.
But all of this is really just so much distracting commentary. We simply wanted to be of help to this NFL team that provides so much aggravating frustration, punctuated increasingly of late by thrilling action that almost, but not quite, justifies the price of admission and all that convenient beer.
